'American Idol' recap: The Crazies?
With a wide variety of woeful contestants to choose from, voters instead send a trio of halfway decent singers (and one obvious pick) to an untimely demise
SHOW 'EM THE DOORS
Tyler Grady's Jim Morrison vibe somehow proved less popular than Alex Lambert's half-ripe banana routineAs the first results show of the American Idol season 9 semifinals came to an end tonight, I couldn't help but feel like I'd just witnessed a horror flick. The pretty blonde girl got picked off early. Another vaguely defined character was introduced just in time to get dragged off into the bushes of anonymity. And at one point, a pack of two dozen zombies stalked the stage, bringing pre-recorded vocal terror to everyone they encountered.
With Ryan Seacrest doing his best Jigsaw impression — ''a brutal night of results,'' he cooed, eyes burning with delight — all that was missing was the screaming. Wait, scratch that. I know I can't be the only one still experiencing intermittent flashbacks to Jermaine Sellers' wounded cockatoo impression on Wednesday night, can I?
Oh yeah, I went there. Because while there was probably a better chance of Simon using SPF on his crispy, honey-roasted chest than seeing Tyler Grady, Joe Muñoz, or Janell Wheeler at the Nokia in May, I'm still flummoxed by the fact that those three cats (along with Ashley Rodriguez) are paying the price for singing misdemeanors, while musical felons like Jermaine, Tim Urban, Alex Lambert, and Lacey Brown will live to threaten us again with (how can I state this in a politically correct fashion?) their ''creative selection of notes.'' Granted, those latter four contestants had respective magical forces on their sides on performance night — a bolero jacket with tails, Justin Bieber hair, a mullet, and a floral tablecloth body sheath — but it's still hard to accept how ''trainwreck awful'' is a better strategy than ''subpar and forgettable'' at any stage of the competition.
Heck, Alex himself seemed to have difficulty with the ''good'' news, letting out an expletive when he found out he'd made the cut over Tyler at episode's end. (Read my exclusive behind-the-scenes scoop about the dropped audio here.) The mullet-wearing troubadour, dressed in an outfit more appropriate for chopping wood in the backyard than trying to become the nation's next singing sensation, looked so panic-stricken throughout the telecast, I thought for a second he might beg Ryan to spare Tyler, thereby freeing himself from the indignity of ever again being likened to an unripe tropical fruit by Ellen DeGeneres.
In any event, I've got to give Tyler props for having the guts to confront the judges after his elimination. At the end of Hollywood Week, if you'll recall, we saw Kara and the judges openly declaring they wanted to see more of Tyler's '70s rock-god poses, only to ridicule him for fulfilling their request on Wednesday night. Which highlights (once again) the lack of specificity and the general cluelessness of the judges' critiques: Wouldn't it have just been easier on the guy if Kara or Ellen or Simon or Randy had succinctly explained that even the grooviest orchid peasant shirt and matching scarf can't compensate for vocal performance punctuated by intermittent bum notes and a distinct lack of breath support?
Making Tyler's ouster all the more unexpected was the fact that he was the featured player in Idol's pre-elimination b-roll funnies — a slot usually reserved for a contestant the producers want to pimp. That said, I don't care how ''comfortable'' you want to be while traveling from the hotel to your rehearsals. Making a public appearance in nothing but a bathrobe, boots, and socks is never — I repeat never — acceptable. Not for Joe or Jane Everyman. Not for an American Idol hopeful. Not even if your name is Kelly Clarkson or David Cook!
NEXT: Two Idol MVPs take the stage
MAGIC '8' BALL
Season 8 stars Allison Iraheta and Kris Allen returned to the 'Idol' stage — with mesmerizing results[Side note: It must also be pointed out that Simon was the only judge tonight who actually took a stance when Ryan asked for analysis regarding the singers tapped for elimination. Granted, I wanted to wring his neck when he said Alex deserved to outlast Tyler, but I appreciated his candor, especially considering Kara refused to choose a side when the other men's heave-ho came down to Replacement Guy or the vastly superior Joe.]
Surely, Mr. Muñoz could've used the shred of dignity of a Kara endorsement once he'd been slapped sideways by the news that Idol voters were so underwhelmed by his serviceable Jason Mraz cover that they'd actually given more votes to Wavy-Haired Replacement Dude Whose Falsetto Sounds Like a Gasping Baby Dachshund. Even worse, Joe must now go through life knowing that, even though his early and unfortunate ''cannon-fodder edit'' worked against him, that people would also prefer the sound of Jermaine stuffing a melody into a latrine than give him another chance at the mic.
At least Joe got the consolation prize of witnessing insanely good live performances from season 8 alumni Allison Iraheta and Kris Allen. Allison's splashy premiere of her gorgeous new single ''Scars'' left me hooting and hollering on my couch. (My husband, ever the realist, looked at me with mild alarm and said, ''You realize it's just me here? Nobody else can hear you.'') But the way Allison delivered her sparse ballad with such gale-force conviction — as if she understands you're never guaranteed your ''next'' audience of 25 million — should be instructive for the current crop of season 9 singers who left something in the tank at the end of their maiden voyages. (That we got to see a lunging gesture and a goofy face on Alli's closing ''Did I say something stupid?'' line only made the teenager's performance that much more authentic.)
Kris, meanwhile, covered the Beatles' ''Let It Be'' in hauntingly beautiful fashion while images from his recent, awareness-raising trip to Haiti played in the background. Yes, the guy is even more adorable when he's holding a babeh, but his vocal was so flawless and so emotionally charged, that you can bet your $1.29 I'd be downloading it on iTunes today even if 100 percent of the proceeds weren't going to support the U.N. Foundation's relief efforts in the earthquake-ravaged country.
Let's be honest about the Kris and Allison appearances, though: With the prospect of additional performances from Tim and Jermaine and Alex (not to mention ho-hum Big Mike and John and Todrick) in the next two weeks, Idol is really going to need to ramp up the results-night cameos from former MVPs to help carry us through to the top 12. (Might I suggest one of these nine singers for a coveted performance-night gig?)
NEXT: Ashley's not-so-'Happy' exit
NOT NICKS-ED
A ''Landslide'' did not, in fact, bring Lacey Brown downWhile the men's elimination pairings tonight provided a decent amount of suspense and more than a little surprise, the women's matchups were about as tension-filled as a poetry contest between Maya Angelou and Khloe Kardashian. Seriously, wasn't it screamingly obvious what the outcome would be when Ryan boiled the first ladies' elimination down to Katie Stevens and Janell Wheeler? If I were an Idol conspiracy theorist, I might suspect that the producers were trying to position their pet contestant Katie as an appealing underdog by implying she's already at risk this early in the season.
Oh, wait, I already am an Idol conspiracy theorist, and I in fact do suspect that's what's happening!
Either way, undeniably talented Janell turned out to be a victim of her own runaway nerves and lackluster first-week strategy. When Janell got booted, then declared she wished she'd gotten a chance to play her guitar and fully show America what she was capable of, I was practically screaming at the TV: ''WHY DIDN'T YOU DO THAT ON TUESDAY?''
That said, at least Janell leaves the competition with her head held high, seeing how she accepted the rough news with equal parts candor (''That sucks!'' she yelped) and class (warmly praising her 11 female competitors without any prompting from Ryan). Better still, with the stress of appealing to the voting public behind her, Janell (in a fetching turquoise and yellow top) delivered a vastly improved performance of ''What About Love.'' Will I be following her on Twitter and obsessing about her post-Idol career for years to come? For the love of Mishavonna Henson, I can almost guarantee it!
The second of the ladies' ousters was also no surprise after it came down to stunning (but not vocally so) Ashley Rodriguez against Didi Benami, one of the few contestants who currently appears to be a viable threat for the season 9 crown. Why the producers didn't instead choose to pit Janell against Lacey Brown, and Ashley against Paige Miles, for example, is beyond my comprehension. (Heck, imagine how heightened Lacey's giddy-to-sobbing mood shifts woulda been if her neck had been on the chopping block?)
Nonetheless, Ashley's far-from-flawless encore of Leona Lewis' ''Happy'' only served to reinforce that America made the right choice in sending her home. Not even Ellen could do much to pump up the early front-runner's spirits, declaring she was about to embark on ''a new beginning — somewhere else.'' And at least the Massachusetts stunner (and her three fallen comrades) can take comfort in knowing they'll never again have to endure a group number combining 24 unhappy lip-synchers marching aimlessly around the stage to Estelle's ''American Boy.'' Note to Ken Warwick: If you're not gonna have these kids sing live — and we know it wasn't live, unless, of course, Tim Urban's mic was switched off — then why bother with a group performance at all? As bemused as I was seeing the season 9 men earnestly sing ''You'll be my American Boy'' in a post-Adam Lambert era — Casey James' expression of gleeful befuddlement was the best of the bunch — I'd rather hear a live singer than something that sounds like a highly Auto-Tuned session by the Canned Ham Chorus. With eight seasons worth of Idol alumni to choose from, perhaps the show could spread the sales-bumping love to some of its indie-label grads. Quick, somebody get Melinda Doolittle on line one!
What did you think of Idol's week one results? Would you, like me, declare Haeley Vaughn's black bubble skirt, green tank, and feathered barrette as the night's best outfit? What to make of Jermaine's ridiculous Ooooooohhh...On the TLC Tip garb? And how about the Idols' season 9 exit song?
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Together, we can change the world, one mind at a time.
Have a great day,
Tommy
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