'American Idol' recap: Ladies' Blight
Season 9's 12 female semifinalists take the stage for the first time, but pitch problems and nerves derail more than half the pack
SOX TO BE HER
Crystal Bowersox broke out the guitar and the harmonica for the night's best performance, a cover of Alanis Morissette's ''Hand in My Pocket''
A female contestant is going to win season 9 of American Idol. That's what Randy Jackson and Simon Cowell have been telling journalists during their early-season press tours, and that was also the point driven home by Ryan Seacrest at the start of tonight's telecast. ''You've said that it's gonna be the girls' year. What is it that stood out about this group of girls?'' he asked Simon, before any of us had seen a single live performance from this year's Top 24.
But here's my question: If Idol's ninth season is nothing more than a scripted affair, if its final ''run through the airport/sob and weep while performing 'No Boundaries 2.0''' scene has already been written, why shouldn't we all just emotionally disengage from the process right this very second? Male or female, married or single, black or white, tattooed or ink-free, I want my Idol winner to clamber up on stage for 14 consecutive weeks and fight for every last vote — whipping up innovative arrangements of genius song choices, delivering the kind of vocals that would never hide behind a backing track under the guise of an ''acid reflux'' flareup, displaying stage presence that'll make me gleefully detonate my social calendar every Tuesday and Wednesday night from now until May.
You'd think Idol's judging panel would have the same basic goals in mind, but last night Ellen, Simon, Randy, and Kara all seemed almost as interested in achieving parity among the ladies as they did in sorting out the pretenders from the contenders. True, each judge (even Randy and Kara!) provided more specific examples of constructive criticism than I'd have reasonably expected (how 'bout Randy pointing out Haeley Vaughn's upper register is thisside of unpleasant?), but I still can't understand why superior vocalists like Crystal Bowersox and Didi Benami were held to higher standards than the likes of, say, Ashley Rodriguez and Paige Miles. I mean, if Ashley and Paige both got ''you definitely should/will live to fight another week'' critiques after slaughtering entire villages of notes in their respective performances, then Crystal and Didi deserved nothing short of cash prizes and ticker-tape parades at the end of theirs.
But enough about the judges' highs and lows. Because I already live-blogged the ''Top 12 Ladies'' episode (click here to read it!), and because, well, we're going to be over-analyzing the judges' motivations for weeks and weeks to come, I thought I'd do something unprecedented for this recap: I'm going to put aside my conspiracy theories, make no mention of the judges' critiques, and instead, review each performance solely on its own merits — in descending order from best to worst.
Crystal Bowersox: A- If MamaSox's success can only be defined by whether or not she completely rebooted and rearranged ''Hand in My Pocket,'' then by all means, strap her to the train tracks and carry on with your morning commute! But before you go tying that final knot, let's remind ourselves that previous Idol innovators like Blake Lewis (''Somewhere Only We Know''), David Cook (''Happy Together''), Kris Allen (''Man in the Mirror''), and Adam Lambert (''[I Can't Get No] Satisfaction'') all played it fairly safe with their arrangements during their initial live performances.
By comparison to those four cats' opening salvos, Crystal's Alanis Morissette cover more than holds its own. And compared to the other 11 women of season 9, it was the performance of the night. Sure, there were moments Crystal's facial expression seemed to be saying ''Whoa! How the heck did a chick like me end up in front of a TV audience of 25 million people?'' But not once did she succumb to that pressure with desperate poodle-on-a-tightrope stunts that might've elicited some ''oohs'' and ''aahs'' from the crowd, but would've ultimately taken away from the story she was telling. Case in point: The way Crystal's voice dissolved into almost a whisper on that initial ''fine, fine, fine'' caught my attention in a way the showiest vocal run never could have. And let's be honest: There was something infinitely more interesting (and current) in Crystal strumming her guitar, working her harmonica, and interacting with the band to the side of the stage than, say, a generic pop vocalist delivering a formulaic ballad while trying to make sultry eyes for the camera.
Side note: I actually guffawed when Crystal, responding to Simon's criticism that ''you've got to do something which is you, not try to sound like somebody else,'' earnestly declared ''They don't allow original [compositions] on the show, though.'' I don't usually believe contestants when they say they haven't watched Idol before, but in this case, I'm totally buying it. And while Simon's right, in order to succeed in Idol's new world order, you've got to zag when the world expects you to zig — this ain't season 5, where Chris Daughtry could get away with exceptional carbon copies of Bon Jovi and Fuel, after all — I don't think a one-week learning curve is it?
NEXT: Funny little thing Siobhan goes dark
ROSE-COLORED GLASS-BLOWER
Siobhan Magnus should easily survive this week after choosing subtlety over histrionics on ''Wicked Game''Didi Benami: B+ Perhaps more than any contestant we've seen this season, Didi seems to know the contours of her voice, and how to work them to her advantage. I can understand folks who'll say Ingrid Michaelson's ''The Way I Am'' is perhaps too subtle of a first impression for a televised singing competition, but the song certainly showcased the way Didi's voice swoops and soars from her raspy lower register to her feathery falsetto — and left me wanting to hear more next week.
My main criticism of Didi had nothing at all to do with her vocal performance or her song selection, but more with the way she stood frozen at the mic for the duration of her performance. I mean, if Didi had brought her guitar on stage, a stationary stance might've made sense, but without an instrument in her hands, Didi's failure to work the stage meant her performance was more pleasing to my ears than to my eyes. (Whether or not that giant granny square of a blouse, a close cousin of the Conners' couch afghan on Roseanne, helped or hurt Didi's cause, I will leave for you to decide, dear readers.)
Siobhan Magnus: B+ While we're on the subject of contestants' fashion choices, let's have a round of applause for Siobhan, who finally dropped her quest to time-travel back to the '80s and be an extra in Cyndi Lauper's ''Girls Just Wanna Have Fun'' video, and instead wore a sleek black dress for her moody rendition of ''Wicked Game.'' (Yeah, I know, the frock kinda looked like Siobhan had a beige slip jutting out from underneath, but not even Clay Aiken's Idol makeover happened overnight!)
Siobhan, as Simon noted, is a ''funny little thing'' — her interview packages are flatter than an elephant's bedding, and yet when she's singing, the Massachusetts glassblower possesses a quiet confidence that's backed up by a powerful set of pipes. And her choice of Chris Isaak's iconic ballad was a smart one, as it allowed Siobhan (who looks a little like Doctor Who's Billie Piper) to show the light and shade of her distinctive instrument. That said, the almost nonexistent arrangement provided by the band gave the performance a slightly peculiar feel, and Siobhan's failure to comprehend the meaning of the phrase ''dark horse'' makes me feel woeful about the current state of our public school system. (But that's a subject for another column, and perhaps another columnist altogether, no? #MoreFunding4EducationBenches!)
Katelyn Epperly: B Proof positive that it's an Idoloonie's prerogative to change his mind about any contestant at any point in the competition, I am here to say that Katelyn (who failed to crack the top 20 of my weekly Idol Power List on Tuesday afternoon) far exceeded my expectations with a tuneful, husky-voiced rendition of the Beatles' ''Oh Darlin'.'' Yes, I am aware that after the one-two-three punch of Paige-Ashley-Janell, a test of the Emergency Broadcast System would've been a welcome sound, but let's give Katelyn credit for hitting her notes and offering a little bit of an Amy Winehouse-y twist on the tune.
Oh, and let me pause here to announce in all caps that KARA WAS TOTALLY RIGHT when she pointed out to Katelyn that her dominatrix-clown makeover wasn't the evening's most prudent sartorial direction. Also: Was every female semifinalist urged by Idol's styling team to make giant feather/floral hairbands/accessories happen?
NEXT: Katie Stevens doesn't leave us 'Feeling Good'
TURN THE PAIGE
Almost no previous screen time + Kick-off performance spot + Marginal vocals = End of the road for Paige Miles?Lilly Scott: B- Okay, so it pains me a little to rate the Beatles cover by the infinitely cooler and more likable Lilly below the I-can't-quite-put-my-finger-on-her-slightly-stank-attitude Katelyn, but this is what's required given that Lilly didn't appear to hit a single note of the first verse of ''Fixing a Hole.'' About midway through the performance, Lilly began to get past her nerves and iron out the wobbles in her vocal, but the pained smile on her face as she ended her set told the tale that this was not the chrome-haired acoustic chick's finest 90 seconds. I'm holding out hope for Lilly based on her exquisite Hollywood Week cover of ''Lullaby of Birdland,'' but I'm wracked with an underlying fear that Lilly's skill set may not quite translate from the sidewalk to Idol's big pressure cooker of a stage.
Michelle Delamor: B- Mad props to Michelle who didn't get rattled by the kind of nerves you'd expect for a woman who's been treated like a dust bunny by Idol's producers over the first six weeks of season 9 — which is to say she was brushed under the furniture, her very existence hidden away from the production's 30 million guests. Still, the best thing I can say about Michelle's take on ''Fallin''' is that it should buy her an additional week in the competition. I mean, girlfriend hit her notes like an biathlete firing her rifle at a target, but with 50 percent less passion than that snowy Olympic sport. I mean, the way Michelle threw her arms out on the ''Oh! Oh!'' interlude was so theme-park, there are probably instructions for it in Six Flags' employee handbook.
Katie Stevens: B- If this was a game of Jeopardy, and 'Feeling Good' was a clue, then I'd have to buzz in and say ''Which song is even more played-out on Idol than 'Fallin'?'' But I could have forgiven Katie for walking the path of Adam Lambert, A.J. Tabaldo, Leslie Hunt, and countless auditioners before her — if she'd been vocally on-point and energetic. Instead, the 17-year-old contestant robotically stalked the stage with all the charisma of a first runner-up at the Miss Schaghticoke Fair pageant. Actually, scratch that. The shimmying dance moves Katie tentatively attempted would've knocked her down a slot or two on the leader-board. And sorry, that completely botched low note on the initial ''And I'm feelin' goooooood'' was like a single axel where Mr. Lambert once performed a quad. Hashtag this at Twitter as #ComparisonFail.
Janell Wheeler: C+ Oh, if only Janell's vocals had been as tight as her pants for her uninspired cover of Heart's ''What About Love.'' But alas, a case of the visibly nervous shakes and an absolutely boneheaded song choice control-alt-deleted the Orlando beauty's chances to claim early front-runner status, and actually put her at serious risk of elimination (along with Paige, Ashley, and Lacey) during Thursday night's results show. What more is there to say about Janell's set? That she's not a power-pop vocalist à la Ann Wilson? That she should've brought along her acoustic guitar to play up a sense of ''artistry''? That if she survives into week two of the semifinals, she needs to recapture the sultry southern blues she served up during her ''House of the Rising Sun'' audition? Yeah, all that.
NEXT: Paige makes a liar out of Simon
WHAT CAN BROWN DO FOR YOU?
Apparently, not much, if Brown's first name is Lacey and she's singing ''Landslide''Haeley Vaughn: C How is it possible that Haeley's ''I Want to Hold Your Hand'' made me feel like I'd been placed smack in the center of a blaring police siren, and yet was not nearly as bad as I expected it to be? Was it the fresh coat of protective glitter-powder Idol's makeup overlords sprinkled on the adorable teenager? Was it the fact that her signature crimson axe automatically short-circuits my brain by making me think of Kris Allen's lovely ballad ''Red Guitar''? Or could it be that it makes me a little nuts that this kid might've maybe been a legit contender if the judges had made her wait till season 11 to crack the semifinals?
So while, yes, I resent Haeley for prematurely grabbing a season 9 slot from Tasha Layton or Mallorie Haley or Angela Martin, I admire her... is it pluck, perhaps? I mean, it takes a certain amount of admirable chutzpah (or is it utter cluelessness?) for a bubbly teenager to stand in front of 25 million viewers, grab hold of a classic Beatles' track, and ''make'' ''it'' ''her'' ''own.'' No, the performance didn't quite work, but it didn't bore me to tears like...
Ashley Rodriguez: C- So right here right now, I'm going to put as much thought into critiquing Ashley's cover of Leona Lewis' bland ballad ''Happy'' as Ashley did in selecting a predictable diva track on which she could only fail by comparison to the original. Moving right along...
Paige Miles: C- Okay, I know I said I wasn't going to critique the judges tonight, but if Simon thinks Paige is the most talented female singer in season 9, and he thinks a woman is destined to win this year, how completely frakking painful are the next 14 weeks going to be? Because oh-em-gee, I didn't hear a single note in tune during Paige's cover of Free's ''All Right Now.'' And trust me, I wanted to be able to give Paige some kind of love, considering she got about 18 seconds of total airtime prior to tonight's episode, and then was forced to perform in the deathly lead-off position.
But when you combine her whack vocals with her interview references to ''pee'' and ''snot,'' and that unfortunate belted black-lace number, you've got a recipe for automatic elimination. Of course, if some viewers forget the mere existence of Ashley, Lacey, and/or Janell, and others blindly follow Simon's instructions that Paige is worth saving, maybe this lady will have another week to prove she's not some random prankster who's getting her 15 minutes of fame while keeping an actual singer named Paige Miles locked away in the trunk of her car. Yowza, that sentence freaked me out a little bit. ''Next time, on 48 Hours Mystery....''
Lacey Brown: D+: ''She took 'Landslide,' she took it down/ Left Stevie Nicks with a big ole' frown/ And I hit the mute button on my cable remote/ Yes a 'Landslide' brought her down/ Oh mirror in the sky, what's this note?/ Why does this redhead Texan sound like a goat?/ Can I sail through the changing channels, boss?/ Will I find myself fired if I turn to Lost?/ Whoa-oh/ Well I've been afraid of changes/ To my very favorite show/ But Kara gets bolder/ And Simon get older/ And I'm getting older, too./ She took 'Landslide,' oh she took it downnnn.''
http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,20312226_20346519_4,00.html
--
Together, we can change the world, one mind at a time.
Have a great day,
Tommy
__._,_.___
No comments:
Post a Comment